There are no words…

It’s been a long couple of days. I’m not really sure how to write this with any kind of hope that it will help, but I have to do something.

You see, Wednesday night I left work early and went to the ER. I had started to bleed again and being pregnant this was always an issue. After waiting in the room for awhile, having, yet another pelvic exam and an ultra sound, the doctor comes in to tell me what’s going on. I didn’t get good news. I got the worst possible news any woman that’s had a miscarriage before could get.

After going to the doctor every week, taking prenatal vitamins, no caffeine, no drinking, nothing that would cause any issue in the pregnancy, after seeing and hearing my baby’s heart beat, I still got bad news. The heart beat couldn’t be found while at the ER.

I’ve been trying to stay positive, I’ve been trying to stay busy, and I’ve tried to journal, but nothing helps the resentment I hold in my heart. Nothing cleanses me of my rage and the empty feeling that takes over when I’m in a room by myself, laying in bed staring at the ceiling, or when I’m taking a shower even.

Words hold nothing for me, no matter what anyone says to me it just doesn’t seem right. I got hospitalized last night because I started to pass everything and the doctors and nurses kept telling me they hope I feel better and all I wanted to do was scream. I wanted to rip the needle out of my arm abs start running down the halls just to get away. There is nowhere to run, no where to go, and nowhere where I don’t feel empty. I don’t know where to from here and that’s what scares me most…this one is my breaking point.

Hearts all a Flutter!!

So my last post here, I let you all in on some good news.  This news is still getting better and I am feeling more and more blessed each and everyday.  But there are exceptions to the greatness of this all.  Days like today when I expected to hear some bad news.  I woke up due to some very bad cramps and usually when I started cramping while pregnant it always went south.  I did what anyone in my situation would do and called the doctor office.  I was explaining that I was high risk and I had started cramping and the person on the phone and she said cramps were normal at the stage of pregnancy I was in, but these were anything but normal.  So she had the nurse call me back and they suggested that I make a trip to the ER if I thought it was bad enough and to give me ease of mind.  Mike was all but ready to take me when I got off the phone and was trying to usher me out the door before I had a chance to brush my hair and teeth. 

When arriving at the ER I looked at the waiting room and the first thought was I am going to be here all night!!  I didn’t sit long in the waiting room, but sitting cooped up in that tiny room with only my phone to keep me busy and Mike sitting at my side with his phone, I got pretty bored and fast.  When the doctor came in she did her number of tests to rule this and that out, and said we would do a pelvic, an ultrasound, and some blood work.  I hate needles and I hate seeing blood leave my body in that way, but the guy that was taking it kept it cool and light-hearted and went pretty fast.  I just hated having the IV stay in my  arm as long as it was and sticking me even if I didn’t try to bend it. 

So with blood taken, and the growing worry in my mind, the ultrasound tech came in the room and wheeled me away to get the ultrasound.  I had an ultrasound done last week and I was at the 5 week mark and it’s farther than I had made it, and I was glad for that.  So when I started cramping it set off all kinds of alarm bells.  Any who, back to matter at hand, the ultrasound tech had to do an external and an internal look at my uterus and baby.  So with the external all we looked at was the size and the shape, but the internal was the one that was wanting to see since I would be able to see my baby a little better. 

Lots of zooming and hearing my heart beat and my ovaries was fun and all, and I could see the gestational sac, so I knew it was still there, I finally breathed a breath of fresh air.  Then she told me I was 5 weeks and 6 day pregnant and we could see a heart beat!!  WE COULD SEE A HEART BEAT!!!  THAT WAS THE BEST NEWS I COULD HAVE GOTTEN IN THAT MOMENT AND WORDS COULD NOT EXPRESS HOW IT FELT!!  Okay, my caps typing is done, sorry if you feel I was yelling, but I had a moment of pure joy and I thought I should try to express that with capitals. So, Baby Evans will be here on July 4th unless he/she decides to join us sooner than that, oh and there is only one in there so that was more good news. 

Back to waiting in my tiny cramped in room with Mike growing bored and restless by the minute, we waited again for more news.  The doctor came in do the pelvic and then I would be getting all of my blood results, ultrasound results, and everything else they need to tell me.  Mike, still growing restless after the doctor left the room, finds the tools they use to look in ears and eyes and wants to poke and prod me in the face after being poked and prodded already by a million other instruments.  I wasn’t the best of “patients” with him, but I let him look in my eye with the light thing they use when doing an eye exam.  Before the doctor came back in I told him to leave things alone it would be any minute before they came back in and we could leave. 

All was well with Baby Evans, my blood work, and everything else, but the ultrasound showed there was some free-flowing liquid in my ovary which was an ovarian cyst that had ruptured and was causing the cramps.  I am supposed to follow-up with my doctor and go from there, but as far as the ER thinks this is all going the way it should be.  After around 4 hours of sitting there I was able to leave and go home.  I was ready for a nap, and Mike was ready for some food and bedtime.  A big scare turned out to be something not really a big deal at all, just mild discomfort and some extra cramping here and there…I think I can deal with that as long as my baby remains healthy.

Wonderful News Flash!!

This week has been super busy!!  I have been working a lot of hours, watching a few movies to try and get some sleep, and I’ve been trying to make a few crafts.  As tired as I have been, I havebeen extremely restless and I feel that no matter how tired I get, there is no answer for why I cannot fal asleep.  I lay in bed for hours on end tossing and turning and still sleep eludes me.  I get hot and throw covers off of me, but then I’m cold in a matter of minutes.  It’s a never ending battle with sleep and I, and I eventually get a little, but I am tired all the time. 

I have an answer to this problem, but I cannot take sleeping pills at this time.  A lot of my friends would tell me to do that, drink a glass of wine, or even a beer, but those options are out as well.  All of these are out because I have recently found out I am pregnant again.  I wasn’t going to write on this until I knew more about what was going, or even if I was in the safe zone (if that really exists in pregnancy) but I just don’t feel I can keep it in any longer.  This time is different tho, I have managed to make it past the 4 week mark, unlike my other two pregnancies, and I am feeling that like this is the one. 

As soon as I found out, I called my doctor and she ordered me to get some blood work done so she could see how everything was looking.  After the second draw of my blood for a quant count it had nearly tripled from what it was on the first draw.  She also wanted me to come in for an ultra sound, which I have this Friday!!  How exciting is that, I may be far enough along to get to hear my baby’s heart beat!!  Unfortunally, Mike will not be able to come with me to this one, but I have made him a deal.  Where he is working he is only allowed 2 days off until he is hired in full time, so if by the time I have an ultrasound to find out the sex, he is not hired on, I will not find out.  If he is hired on then theres a chance we will find out. 

With all of this going on in my life, I am trying to get everything ready and make sure I have all my t’s crossed and my i’s dotted at work and at home.  Guys I do hope you’ll keep me in your thoughts and prayers so that all goes well with this pregnancy.  i have alwyas wanted to be a mom and I really am getting my hopes up now with this one since its all going in the right direction so far.

Homesteading and Opening Stores

Hi guys!!!  I’ve been busy, busy, BUSY!!!  I started a new blog and a store for my crafts for a charity.  Mike’s mom has a lung disorder that will cause her to have to have a double lung transplant and I want to help.  Sooooo I decided to do something I am good at and I think this is going to be a good thing.  I will probably slack off over here on this page of mine, but feel free to check out my other one anytime!!! I’ll try to keep up and let you know more and more about myself, but with this new launch it will take up a lot of my time and patience. Other than working there has been no changes really.  These past few days I have been working day shift and I have to say, I am going to miss it.  I had a training class to go to and I learned a lot about my position I didn’t know, and I really like the 8 to 5 hours.  Granted, if I ever go to days in the position I am in, I will be working 6:30 to whenever.  Those are some early hours and I can’t wait for that day.  With Mike working days it would great seeing as now I don’t see him a lot unless it’s a weekend.  He loves his new job too so that’s a big plus!! 

Cute little cartoon I found on Google.

I’ve been working on a lot of homemade products such as tooth paste, deodorant, and a bunch of other stuff trying to get away from spending a ton of money on things that are just going to kill me faster and I must say, I am quite impressed with them.  Mike made some laundry detergent and with what we save we can start looking into buy some land.  We are slowly becoming homesteaders and want to have a small farm and make all of our own products if possible.  I think I am more for all of the making stuff and having a garden, I think he wants woods so he can hunt, but still a self-sustained lifestyle is the end goal!!  In my next few posts I’ll try to get you a few recipes to help you with your home-made products!!  I really enjoy them and would like to share them with you as well. 

I think it is time for me to get off of here and let my eyes and head rest.  It’s been a long day and I need to get some rest.  I know I need to stay up a bit longer, but my eyes are getting heavy as I type this and watch Duck Dynasty (LOVE THIS SHOW)!!!

Sons of Revolution!

Sons of Anarchy is finally back on and I am loving it!!!  I have been waiting on this day for the past few months and now that it is back I am ready to sit back and enjoy the show.  Sadly though, I long to have a bike of my own and so does Mike, but I suppose that will have to wait.  I would be fine without getting my own, but eventually Mike will own one and I will get to ride on the back with the wind in my hair (figuratively speaking, I like to have a helmet to protect my head). 

Revolution premiered last night and I was impressed with that and can’t wait for more to come on.  A mix between the end of the world and The Hunger Games.  It really makes me wonder if that is what this world will come to if the lights really do go out or something worse.  I think it would actually be a good thing (for a bit) if the lights did go out.  It would make this world to build their economy back, lose all electronics, and resort to being outside to deal with getting food, water and shelter.  Part of me wants to go to that life, but I know I would miss talking to you all, my readers, and watching my shows.  Lord knows what I would do without those.

It’s been a long two days at work and I am ready to get a bit of rest and relaxation.  I have a lot of shows to catch up, crafts to catch up on, and a whole lot of time catching up with people.  Hopefully I will be able to write again soon, but who knows with all the things going on in my life now…really I will try!!

Decisions, decisions

This week has been extremely busy for me, what with learning a new job and still adjusting to a new schedule.  It’s been very hectic, but I summed it up with a quiet weekend with my one and only with a bunch of movies and cuddle time on the couch!!  Oh it was a wonderful way to spend my weekend, but I have been thinking a lot about a number of things this past week. 

After the last miscarriage, Mike and I decided to stop trying for now and just wait for a better time.  After a long discussion I told him I was wanting to get an IUD so we could be nearly 100% sure I would not get pregnant again.  It was a great idea and we knew it would help the worries in the back of our minds “what if we get pregnant again.”  Well it turns out it wasn’t all it was supposed to be.  I had more issues with it in than I thought I would, the cramping was constant and my moods were completely erratic!!  It was worse than being pregnant!!  I’m not one to discuss sex a whole lot, but let me tell you that even changed!  I’m talking everything was different and not in a good way.   

After about three months of this, I told Mike I had to have it taken out and I was hoping he was with me in getting it taken out.  We talked about the pros and cons of it.  We weren’t looking to try again anytime soon, but I know it needed to be taken out before more issues arose.  I finally made the appointment to have it out, and the doctor asked what we were going to do as far as preventative causes and all I could say was nothing.  Mike and I have decided that were not going to wait, but we aren’t going to try. 

We were watching movies tonight and one we got was “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” and while watching it, everything just hit me at once.  There was one couple on there, actually two I feel I can hope to relate to.  The first couple had been trying for two years to get pregnant with little success, but finally let go and just went with the flow.  The second couple was an unexpected happening and they weren’t married, actually weren’t even a couple.  Granted Mike and I are a couple, but those were the ones I could relate to the most. 

These two people were trying to make it work for the sake of a baby (not that I try to make it work with Mike, but you get the drift right?) and they were doing well for a bit.  Then BANG!!  Everything was shit and her world specifically fell apart around her when she lost the baby.  I know it’s not easy for a man either, but being through this situation I know what it feels like when you are so happy you’re going to be bringing a life in this world and then it’s ripped away from you.  Literally ripped away.  It’s actually the worst feeling I have ever had and would never wish it on my worst enemy.  The emotional times, the feeling there is something I did to make it happen, and the sorrow you can not get out of your heart. 

I know I am supposed to be a mom, deep down I know it and I know it is in my destiny.  It’s what I have wanted since I can remember and I know I will be good at it.  I want a whole slew of kids if I had it my way, but hey I’m willing to compromise.  I know Mike wants them too and we have agreed on some names when the time comes, but for now we are willing to wait and let it all fall into place. 

This has been an emotional post, a long needed look into my self and a long-awaited decision on my part.  Mike was ready to keep trying, but I just couldn’t do it.  I was still fighting with my emotions, fighting the battle in my gut and telling myself this one wouldn’t happen either.  I still have fear, but in the end I know one day it will go right!   

I truly hope no one is too depressed by reading my story and struggles,  I know I cried writing it, and if you have been through this you know what I mean.  I won’t say it will get better, but I know in my heart it will happen for me soon, but that’s the case for everyone.  I wish you all luck, best wishes, and don’t give up.

Crafting a Promotion

HOLY MOLY!!!  Has it been a bit since I’ve posted?  I think it has been.  Man, sorry everyone, maybe now is a good time to tell you what all has been going on in my life.

Let’s see where to start?  Work seems like a good place to start seeing as I got some really awesome news from there!  I got a promotion!!!  How awesome is that?!?!  When Mike lost his job with the company we were both working for they waited a few weeks to post his position which gave me a opprotunity to put in for it.  So i did and I got an interview and got the job!!  All I’m waiting for now is the department I am in to give me a date in which I can move.  I am eagerly waiting that day and am ready to start this new journey.  The plans we had made before all of this happened are on hold for now and may be for quite some time depending on how this all works out.  I see good things in the future for us and I belive it will be an opportunity for us both to grow as a couple and in our careers. 

I have gone to the doctor the past year to find out what is wrong with me and why I cannot carry a child, but my doctor has found nothing wrong with me.  Basically all she can say is that it is a streak of bad luck.  Which really is good news, but at the same time, a little heart breaking.  I want to have kids and I know Mike does too, but I think we expected something to be wrong and there was nothing.  Will we try again?  Of course, but that timing is not right just yet and we have a lot to do before we start thinking about that.

As far as my crafting goes, I have been working on a few different things and am really excited to work on them.  I am trying to get into painting and all but my hand seems a bit too shaky and I have no artistic ability when it comes to drawing, painting, or even stick figures for that matter!!  I love using yarn though and have been making a bunch of cute little things for babies, myself and others!  My online craft shop is also on hold as well as the other plans.  I eventually want to do it, but right now is not the time and if I do want to do it in the future I can visit that when I get there. 

Wow, is that all that really happened to me in the long time I have been absent from my blogging?  I felt like there was so much more, but I guess it just seemed like a lot for me with the stress, the tiredness, and the constant worrying.  All in all, it all turned out well and I couldn’t be happier!!  I guess its back to crafting and watching some TV for now.  Enjoy your week and have a wonderful night everyone!!!