This week has been extremely busy for me, what with learning a new job and still adjusting to a new schedule. It’s been very hectic, but I summed it up with a quiet weekend with my one and only with a bunch of movies and cuddle time on the couch!! Oh it was a wonderful way to spend my weekend, but I have been thinking a lot about a number of things this past week.
After the last miscarriage, Mike and I decided to stop trying for now and just wait for a better time. After a long discussion I told him I was wanting to get an IUD so we could be nearly 100% sure I would not get pregnant again. It was a great idea and we knew it would help the worries in the back of our minds “what if we get pregnant again.” Well it turns out it wasn’t all it was supposed to be. I had more issues with it in than I thought I would, the cramping was constant and my moods were completely erratic!! It was worse than being pregnant!! I’m not one to discuss sex a whole lot, but let me tell you that even changed! I’m talking everything was different and not in a good way.
After about three months of this, I told Mike I had to have it taken out and I was hoping he was with me in getting it taken out. We talked about the pros and cons of it. We weren’t looking to try again anytime soon, but I know it needed to be taken out before more issues arose. I finally made the appointment to have it out, and the doctor asked what we were going to do as far as preventative causes and all I could say was nothing. Mike and I have decided that were not going to wait, but we aren’t going to try.
We were watching movies tonight and one we got was “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” and while watching it, everything just hit me at once. There was one couple on there, actually two I feel I can hope to relate to. The first couple had been trying for two years to get pregnant with little success, but finally let go and just went with the flow. The second couple was an unexpected happening and they weren’t married, actually weren’t even a couple. Granted Mike and I are a couple, but those were the ones I could relate to the most.
These two people were trying to make it work for the sake of a baby (not that I try to make it work with Mike, but you get the drift right?) and they were doing well for a bit. Then BANG!! Everything was shit and her world specifically fell apart around her when she lost the baby. I know it’s not easy for a man either, but being through this situation I know what it feels like when you are so happy you’re going to be bringing a life in this world and then it’s ripped away from you. Literally ripped away. It’s actually the worst feeling I have ever had and would never wish it on my worst enemy. The emotional times, the feeling there is something I did to make it happen, and the sorrow you can not get out of your heart.
I know I am supposed to be a mom, deep down I know it and I know it is in my destiny. It’s what I have wanted since I can remember and I know I will be good at it. I want a whole slew of kids if I had it my way, but hey I’m willing to compromise. I know Mike wants them too and we have agreed on some names when the time comes, but for now we are willing to wait and let it all fall into place.
This has been an emotional post, a long needed look into my self and a long-awaited decision on my part. Mike was ready to keep trying, but I just couldn’t do it. I was still fighting with my emotions, fighting the battle in my gut and telling myself this one wouldn’t happen either. I still have fear, but in the end I know one day it will go right!
I truly hope no one is too depressed by reading my story and struggles, I know I cried writing it, and if you have been through this you know what I mean. I won’t say it will get better, but I know in my heart it will happen for me soon, but that’s the case for everyone. I wish you all luck, best wishes, and don’t give up.