Hearts all a Flutter!!

So my last post here, I let you all in on some good news.  This news is still getting better and I am feeling more and more blessed each and everyday.  But there are exceptions to the greatness of this all.  Days like today when I expected to hear some bad news.  I woke up due to some very bad cramps and usually when I started cramping while pregnant it always went south.  I did what anyone in my situation would do and called the doctor office.  I was explaining that I was high risk and I had started cramping and the person on the phone and she said cramps were normal at the stage of pregnancy I was in, but these were anything but normal.  So she had the nurse call me back and they suggested that I make a trip to the ER if I thought it was bad enough and to give me ease of mind.  Mike was all but ready to take me when I got off the phone and was trying to usher me out the door before I had a chance to brush my hair and teeth. 

When arriving at the ER I looked at the waiting room and the first thought was I am going to be here all night!!  I didn’t sit long in the waiting room, but sitting cooped up in that tiny room with only my phone to keep me busy and Mike sitting at my side with his phone, I got pretty bored and fast.  When the doctor came in she did her number of tests to rule this and that out, and said we would do a pelvic, an ultrasound, and some blood work.  I hate needles and I hate seeing blood leave my body in that way, but the guy that was taking it kept it cool and light-hearted and went pretty fast.  I just hated having the IV stay in my  arm as long as it was and sticking me even if I didn’t try to bend it. 

So with blood taken, and the growing worry in my mind, the ultrasound tech came in the room and wheeled me away to get the ultrasound.  I had an ultrasound done last week and I was at the 5 week mark and it’s farther than I had made it, and I was glad for that.  So when I started cramping it set off all kinds of alarm bells.  Any who, back to matter at hand, the ultrasound tech had to do an external and an internal look at my uterus and baby.  So with the external all we looked at was the size and the shape, but the internal was the one that was wanting to see since I would be able to see my baby a little better. 

Lots of zooming and hearing my heart beat and my ovaries was fun and all, and I could see the gestational sac, so I knew it was still there, I finally breathed a breath of fresh air.  Then she told me I was 5 weeks and 6 day pregnant and we could see a heart beat!!  WE COULD SEE A HEART BEAT!!!  THAT WAS THE BEST NEWS I COULD HAVE GOTTEN IN THAT MOMENT AND WORDS COULD NOT EXPRESS HOW IT FELT!!  Okay, my caps typing is done, sorry if you feel I was yelling, but I had a moment of pure joy and I thought I should try to express that with capitals. So, Baby Evans will be here on July 4th unless he/she decides to join us sooner than that, oh and there is only one in there so that was more good news. 

Back to waiting in my tiny cramped in room with Mike growing bored and restless by the minute, we waited again for more news.  The doctor came in do the pelvic and then I would be getting all of my blood results, ultrasound results, and everything else they need to tell me.  Mike, still growing restless after the doctor left the room, finds the tools they use to look in ears and eyes and wants to poke and prod me in the face after being poked and prodded already by a million other instruments.  I wasn’t the best of “patients” with him, but I let him look in my eye with the light thing they use when doing an eye exam.  Before the doctor came back in I told him to leave things alone it would be any minute before they came back in and we could leave. 

All was well with Baby Evans, my blood work, and everything else, but the ultrasound showed there was some free-flowing liquid in my ovary which was an ovarian cyst that had ruptured and was causing the cramps.  I am supposed to follow-up with my doctor and go from there, but as far as the ER thinks this is all going the way it should be.  After around 4 hours of sitting there I was able to leave and go home.  I was ready for a nap, and Mike was ready for some food and bedtime.  A big scare turned out to be something not really a big deal at all, just mild discomfort and some extra cramping here and there…I think I can deal with that as long as my baby remains healthy.

A proud daughter

My mom is an alcoholic.  It has been a bumpy ride the past 15 plus years.  This weekend my BIL (brother in Law) threw my sister a surprise birthday party. This was the first time I had seen or spoken to my mom in over a month.  I had stopped talking to her and seeing her because she was always drinking and I was tired of hearing the drama and dealing with her crap so to speak.

Before I stopped talking to her I told her that I do love her she is my mom but I was not going to put up with her anymore until she got help or  tried to make an attempt to quit drinking.  It was so bad, I didn’t tell her I was pregnant and when I miscarried I didn’t tell her either.  My sister did only after asking if I minded.  Before that happened tho, I told her I would not tell her when I found out I was pregnant, when I got married or when I went into labor.  I was DONE!!  I told her I did not want her knowing my kids if she was going to always be drunk or drinking, it just wasn’t something I was going to raise my children around. 

You are probably reading this wondering how I can treat my mother like this aren’t you?  Well growing up in my life was not the best, nor the worst for that matter, but my mother and I were never close after she started drinking.  It was always a roller coaster ride and when she came back to town, it just got worse from there.  Most kids don’t go weeks or even months without seeing their moms,  but I did, I went years when she lived in North Carolina.  I had no desire to see her all the time because I knew when I did see her, she would be drinking or had been and was already drunk.  Me personally, I was so tired of the drama, the crying, the stress, I just took it out of my life.  The endless nights of wondering if my mom was really going to try to kill herself, the days of wondering when she would call me telling me she needed a place to stay because her and her husband were into it again and anything else you can imagine. 

Like I said, this weekend was the first time I had seen or spoken to her in over a month.  She sent me a message a while ago telling me she was going to quit drinking, but I had heard it so many times before I wasn’t going to believe it until I saw it with my own two eyes!  At the party, the guys usually drink so beer is in abundance, and a few wine coolers for the ladies.  The entire night I only saw Mom drink one wine cooler and that wasn’t until I grabbed one before Mike and I left the party.  ONE DRINK all night long is all I saw her drink!!  Normally she would have been loaded and ready to keep partying, but no she showed self-control. 

We were invited to her house for food and swimming the next day and with my sister and her family going I thought what ‘s the worst that can happen?  So Mike and I went to have some amazing food and company too, we didn’t swim, but it was still fun.  While Mom swam with my nephew, sister, and the BIL, Mike and I sat on the sidelines and talked and listened.  Mom was drinking one beer when we got there and had another one while in the pool.  She stopped drinking after she got out and went to water!  I have never seen my  mom pass up a beer or a drink of any kind that had alcohol in it.  So while we were eating, her husband brought up that she was not drinking nearly as much.  I made that my opportunity to tell her I was proud of her and for her to keep it up.  I have noticed what she is doing, I see she is making the effort to fix what has been broken, and I see she wants to be in my family,  my sister’s life, and she wants to make it count and be different.

I wasn’t a big fan for a while of my mom’s new husband, not at all.  They fought all the time, I got endless calls from him and her telling me to take sides and mediate the fight…not me. nope not gonna happen!  I thanked him for helping my mom with her problems because I was not there for her through it all.  I didn’t want to be, I had no desire to be around her drinking anymore.  Now she is getting better, now she is showing she does hear what I say, she listens to me, and she wants to have her family back.  The last big thing I can remember telling her was that her drinking was the reason our family is not what it should be, if she wanted a better relationship with me, my sister, and my brother, the drinking had to go.  It had to stop and she would have to change that.  She did and I am glad to say that I am proud of her.  I made sure to tell her this at least three times while we were visiting her yesterday.  I really am, and I have bragged on her to many people because a few of my friends know what I have been dealing with!  I am so glad to see my mom showing self-control and trying to make a difference and make her life better.

In conclusion, this has been a rough topic for me to write on, I feel it may be inappropriate, too revealing of others, or just plain wrong on my part, but I know she is changing and I have to let the world know, how proud of my mom I am!  I’m not sure if you are having issues with the same problem I was/am having, but if you are, you can make a difference, you can get help, and you can try to help the person in need.  They have to want to make the change first though and if they do, don’t let it go unacknowledged.  Tell them how you feel, tel them you love them, hug them, and let them know you have seen the difference.

He is in my heart!

Well it is technically Saturday since it is after mid-night, but it is still Friday to me.  Let me tell you this has been one long week of mixed emotions.  All in all though, I find it to be a bit liberating.  I have to be at work tomorrow (tonight) and I think it may go okay.  I know tonight was a good night and I want a repeat, so I’ll keep my fingers crossed!! 

My anger is still here, but I would like to share a few things that have changed.  With some of the blogs I have been reading and some of the comments I have had, my mind has began to work in over drive (watch out that can be dangerous if you’re in a ten foot radius) and it is still going.  Also with watching Dave Ramsey and listen to him talk about money and God, it has opened my eyes.  Yes He is here, He is love, and He loves me no matter what.  It scares me at times knowing I have not been the best christian (should that be capital?) I could be and if I died tonight, I would not spend eternity with someone who loves me unconditionally.  Did you catch that, UNCONDITIONALLY?  I even asked Mike to get me a Bible for my birthday (coming up this Wednesday).  Dave Ramsey has been quoting one I find to be quite funny in translation.  It is literal and to the point, but still gets the same message as the few I have had in the past.  I am not sure what it is called but I’m pretty sure it has the word “contemporary” in there. 

Also with the loss that I have just been handed, there has been a blessing in this.  I am really excited for the opportunity that has been brought to Mike and I and when I know more about it and can actually elaborate on details that will come in a later post.  I just know there is going to be some good (great maybe?) things happen in the next few months and it is due to Him.  I can’t wait.  Sadly, it took too many losses and a lot of heart ache to get me back to this point where I will rely on Him, but I am glad He has shown me the way again.  I will be looking for a church to go to (I hear River City is good in my town) and will possibly be making a decision soon.  I will eventually get Mike to go, but I am still working on me, and if he decides that he is going to join me (without me asking or saying so) in this quest, I know it will make our relationship that much better.

As I write this, Mike is doing the finances and is telling me that our emergency fund is complete!!  Plus we have some extra so we can start saving for our cruise!!  Wow, it truly is amazing knowing there is peace of mind with an emergency fund.  Last time we finished Baby Step One, Ca$h and Toro decided to snack on the air conditioner and we had to fix that and put up a fence.  We didn’t want a repeat of that and figured in the long run it would be a good investment. 

Since we have started looking into our (hopeful) blessing and getting our finances in order stress has reduced by a lot.  Thank you to those who have enabled me to see where I need to be and what I should be looking at in the future.  I feel truly blessed to have friends and family (and I don’t just mean blood) help me and give me the advice they have.  You are truly amazing people and I don’t know what I would do without you all in my life!